Things I MUST remember as a dog
1) The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2) I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.
3) I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4) I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
5) I will not eat the cat’s food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6) I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the housewhen I am about to get sick.
7) I will not throw up in the car.
8) I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9) “Kitty box crunchies” although they are tasty, are not food.
10) I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11) The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12) I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell.
13) I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14) When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.
15) We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16) I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17) The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and dad’s laps.
18) My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19) I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration.
20) I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
21) I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22) I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option after just getting a bath.
23) Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way to say hello.
24) I will not hump a person’s leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25) I will not fart in my owner’s face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26) I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27) The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner.
28) I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29) The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
Dogs Letters to God
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? .
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? .
Dear God, When my foster mom’s friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What’s he been rolling around in? .
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on- ramps? .
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad? .
Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. .
Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? .
Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they pour fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? .
Dear God, I’ve always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don’t. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem. .
Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me ‘cuz they think I’m jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I’m innocent? Does Petsmart sell lie detectors? .
Puppies for Sale
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the pups. And set about nailing
it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last
nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down
into the eyes of a little boy.
Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”
“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
“These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then, reaching deep into
his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”
“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle
“Here, Dolly!” he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp
ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His
eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence,
the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little
pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up….
“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t
want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like
these other dogs would.”
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached
down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he
revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching
itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run
too well myself, and he will need someone who understands.”